Busy Busy Busy

Busy, I get it.

Conversations with parents and students keep pointing and taking us to the conclusion that students and families are super busy and perhaps even operating on an overload.  So as student ministries we see this affect and impact our momentum.  It’s hard to grow a church when the members show up once a month for worship.  It’s hard to grow a student ministry when students show up once a month.  Attendance has such a big influence on momentum, excitement is generated when students look around and see many more students at worship with them. 

The reverse is true too.  When students show up and many of the “regulars” are missing it deflates the energy and momentum.  If a youth group goes three weeks in a row with 30 students the momentum gets going and then they hit the fourth week and have 17 its like letting the helium out of  a balloon.  Then you are back at square one.

 In the olden days (7 to15 years ago) it wasn’t like this, at least not in our neck of the woods.  I know youth pastors in the Midwest and west coast have shared with me that they have experienced the same issue.

I don’t think it is because Christian students, as a whole, have lost interest in their church’s youth group.  I don’t believe that it is because they have all become apathetic, sure there are a few just like in big church.  Gone are the days of Wednesday evenings and Sundays being protected for worship and church involvement, even in the Bible belt.

Simply from observations, no scientific data to back this up, I think the root cause of this is busyness.  It seems to me that students today are busier than ever.  This translates that parents are busier today as well.

I know, speaking as a parent, we often have something almost every night of the week.  This winter we juggled wrestling practice and matches, ballet/dance class, gymnastics, homework, small group, youth group.  It can be hectic.  As a parent I’ll say that this is the choice we have made.  My kids don’t have to do all those extra curricular events.  We want them to do those things to help them be more rounded.   But at what cost?  



It boils down to prioritizing.  What are we going to cut out of our lives or sacrifice?  Meals together, family time, the ability to just relax those are just some of the few, that’s my perspective as a parent.



From a youth pastor's perspective I have  noticed parents cutting out corporate worship, youth group, small group, family worship, personal quiet times, serving in church.  When we start making the cuts why does it seem we cut the things that will help us and our children grow stronger and more mature spiritually?
What is most important?  What are the goals for my children?  These are the questions I have to ask myself as dad and as the spiritual leader and the one who disciples my children.

In our staff meeting the other day one of our elders made this statement which has been rolling through my mind and this statement was made after I started to write this post:

“God gives you all the time you need.  It is up to you to manage the time He has given you.”

That’s what it boils down to.  How will I steward the time God has given me and my family as a parent? 

Some things to think about as you try to figure out how you are going to get the kids from school to ball practice and find time to cook supper.

What are my goals for my children?

What do I have to do vs. what do I want to do?

Parent Resource

This looks like a good book to read for parents of teens.  I'll be ordering one to help with students now and to prepare myself for my kids hitting their teen years.

You can order a copy here at Homeword

Support

In talking with other youth ministers it is obvious that in churches with youth ministries there are some parents and some students who take their youth ministry for granted.  I would venture a guess and say we have this happening at our church also.  I talk with parents and church leaders from other churches that do not have youth ministries and hear them share how they wish they had something for their students.

What if your church’s youth ministry ceased?  What if your church decided to focus elsewhere in ministry and your parents and students were left with no youth ministry?  What would your response be?  Would you even notice?  Chances are if you are reading this you would be one of the ones who would notice.

Supporting your church’s youth ministry is vital to the future of your church’s youth ministry.  Support comes in many shapes and forms.  

Support look like this:

• Making sure your son or daughter is active and faithful in attendance to youth group and youth events.
• Understanding that youth group is church.
• Volunteering to help minister when help is needed, pitching in.
  
• Placing a priority on youth worship gatherings.
  
• Faithfully giving back to God in tithes and offerings.
  
• Inviting your friends and coworkers to bring their teens to youth.
  
• Recognizing the youth ministers who volunteer hours every week investing into your son or daughter.
• Spend time with your teen discipling them and discussing what they are learning at youth group and helping them apply what they are learning in life.
• Set the example for your teen to follow by living out your faith.

Are you supporting your church’s youth ministry?

Underage Dating

"You can follow them on Facebook – the failed attempts at love, I mean. Somebody is always changing their status from “in a relationship” to “single.” Unfortunately, a huge number of these disappointed lovers are too young to be legally married. I wonder sometimes if I am the only one who winces to hear a thirteen-year old speak with cavalier abandon of his or her “ex?” Since when is it considered healthy and acceptable for underage people to be in “relationships?” Just what do parents and educators expect to be the result of the romantic conquests of these middle-school children and young high school students? " Read More

The above is a good article about a problem I have watched for 20 years of working with teens. The constant dating and breaking up cycle sets up a pattern for their adult years. It desensitizes them and then when they become an adult it is easy to end a relationship.

Most parents, I find, don't have a plan for their child's dating future in place when their child is young, like early elementary. So when their daughter has a "cute" relationship with their "little boyfriend", the parents don't know how to respond when this cute relationship is months into it and obviously become very serious because their little girl has let all her friends get kicked to the curb as her life is absorbed with this boy, who she "loves so much". Then they don't know how to step in and draw the line as a parent because they let a seemingly innocent relationship go way too far.

You gotta have a plan. I do for my kids. And for my daughter . . . I own a couple of shotguns that I will sit on the porch and clean them if some boy starts to think he can hang around my girl. My daughter won't date a boy until that boy is spiritually mature enough to be her spiritual leader. My sons won't date girls until they are spiritually mature enough to be the spiritual leader in the relationships.

Every date is a potential mate. Who is your kid dating? Do you have a dating plan in place? If not you should seriously consider getting a plan in place mucho pronto.

Preparing Your Kids for Worship

What are you instilling into your son or daughter about worship?
If more is "caught" than "taught", what does your life teach your kids about worshipping the one true and living God and our Lord Jesus Christ?

As a dad and youth pastor these are a couple of questions that have been rolling around my mind this week. So here are some quick thoughts:

1. Make worship a part of your own personal daily life. Not something you just do on Sunday at church. Do your kids know you spend time daily with God?

2. Make space in your day for worship as a family. At our home we read the Bible and pray with our kids before putting them to bed. That's not the only way to do and I'm sure it will take on different forms as our kids grow older.

3. Be excited about going to church for corporate worship with your church family. If you aren't excited about worship why should your kids be?

4. Teach the value of worship by preparing your own heart, being on time, focused on the songs and the scripture during worship. If you were going to meet the President of the US you would spend some time preparing and you certainly wouldn't be late and you would give him your full, undivided attention. Why would we treat meeting with God and his people with less respect?

5. Talk about worship on the way home from church. Tell your kids what you learned and ask them about what they learned. Engage in conversation about worship.

6. Worship is the one thing we do on earth that will continue on with us through eternity.

PS. This list isn't all inclusive and I certainly don't have all the answers. Just more thoughts from the mind of an ADD youth pastor.

Preventative Maintenance or Crisis Management

Over the years I have witnessed two types of parenting styles among parents of students.

Preventative Maintenance Parenting
>Parents begin preparing their child for the teen years at an early age
>Parents engaging in discussion with their child about expectations
>Parents who clearly define expectations
>Parents who clearly define consequences
>Parents who work together with their child on a contract
>Parents who have a plan and their child knows the plan
>Parents who attend parenting seminars and small group studies on parenting

Example: At a young age the parent sets out the guidelines as to if and when their child will be allowed to date or have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Clearly communicating to their child what to expect when it comes to having an exclusive relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Discussing this plan with their child and making sure everyone is clear on what to expect. Little Johnny knows he's not allowed to initiate a dating, exclusive relationship, until he is ____ yrs. old. Which frees him up to enjoy his early teen years and removes the pressure from him. Everyone is on the same page.

Crisis Management Parenting
>Parents who don't plan or even think about their sweet little child becoming a teen
>Parents who don't communicate clear expectations with their child
>Parents who make up consequences on the fly and often in a moment of anger resulting in unrealistic discipline that they don't stick to
>Parents who have no plan, fly by the seat of their pants
>Parents who have children who have no clue what mom and dad expect from them in life.
>Parents who run to the youth pastor to "fix my kid" or "When is the next parenting seminar?"
>Parents who don't seize the opportunities to take parenting classes or participate in parenting small group Bible studies.

Example: Susan, who we used to call little Suzie (fictional character), is allowed to go out with John, who we used to call little Johnny (also a fictional character). "They are just going out to have some fun, nothing serious." Soon Susan is constantly texting with John, on FB with John, all her spare moments are spent with John. Susan's grades are dropping. Susan's best friends no longer are coming around the home because she has pushed them to the curb and replaced them with the "love of her life". What! I thought it was just for fun?!! Mom and Dad now panic, "What do we do?" After allowing this relationship to grow and build over 5 months their they tell their 13 year old daughter that she can no longer see her 16 year old boyfriend, this marks the beginning of the war at home. Now they are reaching out for help in dealing with their "rebellious" daughter.

Which type of parenting looks better to you? As a youth pastor I love to see and hear about parents who are doing preventative maintenance.

Disclaimer: Preventative Maintenance doesn't mean you will have a perfect child or be a perfect parent, but chances for open communication and understanding will be better

Interesting Article on Facebook Security

Sunday night I begin our Facebook series "The F Word".

Interesting article here about the security of Facebook.  Parent you may want to take a look.  Another great reason to monitor your child's activity on Facebook.  Know their password and login info?  You need to.  Know if their FB friends are real or not?  You need to take a look.

Is the Addyouthpastor anti-Facebook?  Absolutely not, I use it every day.

Facebook Series

This Sunday we launch a series about Facebook. I'm excited about this series for a few reasons. I've noticed many of our "church" kids using language on Facebook that they wouldn't dare use at church. I'm hoping they discover that we should live everyday as worship to God, the church is not the building but it is the believers who make up the church. Some of the principles we will be teaching in the series: You are Who You Associate With, You are What You Type, You are Under Other's Microscopes.

For the first time the Parent Pod will be joining us. They will sit in on the lesson and then as our students gather in their Pods to discuss the lesson the parents will be gathering together to discuss together as well. I'm hoping this sparks some good conversations and communication in homes.

I'm all the way through lesson 1 and have also written up the Pod and Parent Pod discussion sheets. This week I'll be including in the parent update e-mail some verses for them to read with their kids together as a family and start to get the gears turning before Sunday.

Discipleship - Connection (Part 2)

Find Part 1 Here.

Our connection to God should naturally lead us to be connected with other believers in a local body of believers, the church. (1 Corinthians 12) As we study the New Testament church we find that gathering together with other believers was a priority. (Acts 2) How do we teach our children that this connection to other believers is part of being a follower of Christ?

• Set the example. Much of our life is intertwined with other believers, our church. Both Mish and I are involved in Connection groups where we meet weekly to connect with others from the church. We are connected through serving with others in the church.

• The Church is a Priority - In our home church attendance isn't optional. It is a priority in our home just as it was with the early church in Acts 2 (they met daily so perhaps not as much as them). Our children will grow up knowing that involvement with and in the church is not an option but a priority. This is how I grew up. Sleeping in on Sunday morning wasn't a choice in our family growing up. I was forced to go to church my whole life. Guess where I am at every Sunday morning? Why? I was taught connection with the church is vital to spiritual health and growth. I was required to go to church but at the same time taught the reason why I should be involved in the church.
  

• Fellowship with other believers is important. Why? We belong to each other. Romans 12:5 There is a connection to each other. Christ died for you and Christ died for me. Our connection came at the high price of redemption. The church is where we find our "belonging". Life as a believer is meant to be lived out in fellowship with other believers. My desire is for my children to realize that their family is more than just their physical family. Their family is much larger because the church is their family as well.

My prayer is that our children, as they grow, will connect first with God through a relationship with Jesus Christ. Second I pray that they will learn by our example and teaching as their parents the importance of being connected with a local body of believers. Not just be church attenders but to live our life in fellowship with the church.

Discipleship - Connecting (part 1)

As a dad one the thing I hope most for is that my children will be connected. No one is meant to live this life alone and to attempt to do so is utter foolishness. We need each other because that is the way God designed us.

First I want to see my children connected to God. How will they learn about the most important connection in life? (John 14:6)

• Modeled in my life - Do they see in me that a relationship with God is important? I must display through my life that I have an ongoing and growing relationship with him. One of my memories as a child is of my dad sitting down in a chair with his Bible and a legal pad reading God's Word and taking notes. He showed me that his relationship with God was serious to him. This is teaching by example.

• Placed in the right environment - I think that hauling our three young'uns to church every Sunday morning is the beginning of teaching them the importance of this relationship. During the week we are planting lessons about God in their lives. Sunday at Kids' Zone what they are learning is being watered and fertilized to help them grow in God. There is a reinforcement there at church in what they are learning at home. This is a priority in our family. Disciple your kids at home, don't be dependent on the church to do this for you.
  

• Focusing their minds - each night when our three children are prayed with before we go to bed. Not the scary prayer "Now I lay me down to sleep . . . " type of prayer (scary? Yes! "If I should die before I wake". In my mind I hear it in the voice of Vincent Price) I pray with my oldest son that God would grow him to know God and to live for God above all else. The prayer with the baby twins is shorter but includes God's protection and direction in their lives. They are learning at 15 months old the importance of talking to God and that communication is vital in connection. They don't grasp the concept but they are learning. My children will grow up with this as a part of normal every day life effecting their life now and in the future.
  

Discipleship of Our Kids

Deuteronomy 6 is clear that the discipleship of our children is our responsibility as parents. So over the next few weeks I'm going to blog about discipleship. I believe that to be spiritually healthy I must be spiritually balanced. Same goes with my children as I "train them up". So much of my posting will be from a dad's point of view. Some of the areas of discipleship that I will post about are:

• Sharing faith
• Spiritual disciplines
• Serving the body of Christ
• Fellowship with the church
• Worshipping God in life

Questions I will look at:

• Do I teach by my example?
• What is our family's priority?
• What does the Bible teach about fellowship?
• What effect will this have on my grandchildren?

We all teach by our example that is why how we out live life is so important.
My family has priorities. What are they? Have I listed them out? How we spend our time and money as a family is a good reflection of our priorities. If we are going to teach our kids to follow Christ then the Bible is the best place to start. How we parent and disciple our own children will have a direct effect on how they disciple and parent their children. So what we do today, as a parent, has an impact on our family for generations to come. No pressure there, huh?

I will wrap up each post by stepping out of the role of dad and putting on the hat of youth pastor and weighing in as a fellow youth leader in the trenches.

Hopefully this will be a helpful little journey for some, mainly me.

Spiritual Formation

Ultimately God will hold me, as my kids' daddy, responsible for their spiritual formation. The spiritual instruction they receive has to come from me. It is not their kids' church teachers responsibility or their youth leaders responsibility. God will not hold me accountable as a youth pastor for the spiritual formation of other believer's children. He will hold me accountable as a pastor and my role and duties (equipping the saints for ministry).

The trap that many Christian parents have fallen into is the idea of "I'll take my kid to church and they can learn about God there." The other side of the spectrum is the "I don't want to force this on my kids." Both are unhealthy approaches. So as a parent what is my responsibility? Deuteronomy 6

• Love God with everything I've got
• Know God's Word (be a student of the Bible)
• Be a positive example of God's Word
• Impress God's Word on my kids' hearts (the idea of sealing their hearts)
• Talk about God and His Word in our everyday life
• Center our home on God

The earlier we start this in our children's life the easier it is to carry through life, even into their teen years. At NHC each week our kids go home with a map book that they can work together with their parents on. The wise parent takes advantage of this fantastic tool.

For parents of teens who have not been doing this it will take extra effort to get this going at home. Each week I e-mail parents some scripture and discussion questions for them to read and talk about with their kids during the week. This discipleship devotion ties in with our lesson on Sunday nights at Contagious. If parents do this with their teen they are laying a foundation that gets reinforced at Contagious.

So how are you doing in the spiritual formation in your child's life?

What are we teaching?!

What are we teaching our children, our students, about Christmas?   Yes giving and getting gifts is fun but could there be more to it?  Could we be feeding our kids the consumer mentality and creating giant consumers who go through life saying, "Give me.  Give me.  Give me."?  I personally know of parents who will go in debt at Christmas to buy their kids the latest and greatest.  What about teaching our children how to be content with what we have?  To be content with what God has blessed us with.  What about teaching our children that it's not wise to go into debt to buy the Wii, XBox, iPod Touch, 60 inch plasma?  Do you not find great joy in life when you give in such a way that you actually help someone meet a need?

The Advent Conspiracy has recently been brought to my attention.   The more I think about it and the more I look into the more I'm getting sold on the idea that we have it all wrong.  What a great way to teach our children to be compassionate human beings.  

Teaching Missions

We listen to the pastor say the word "missions" and we hear "grass hut, jungle, wicked snakes".

As parents part of our responsibility in discipling our kid is to teach them what missions really is all about.  As youth pastors we need to give students and parents the opportunity to experience missions first hand (together when possible).  There is no better teacher than experience.  

After we had a week long local missions project last summer I received an e-mail from a student who chose not to participate.  The student asked this question, "When are we going to go on a mission trip?"  Evidence that this student and many others aren't quite ready for a "missions trip" because they don't see reaching those around them as missions or as important.  Why?  Because they haven't learned.  Either the youth ministry isn't doing a good enough job communicating missions or parents aren't teaching their kids about missions or students are hearing but not listening.

I'm stoked about Sunday's Contagious.  Students have gathered all the food needed to deliver complete Turkey dinners to families who are in need.  Each POD is going to go with their leader, and a few spare parents, to a family's home and deliver the box.  Simply to say, "Happy Thanksgiving.  NHC youth cares about you and God loves you."

After delivery we will gather back at the building and the PODs will discuss their missions experience together.  Should be a great youth group gathering.

It's not a popularity contest

As a parent we often have to make hard decisions.  These decisions, the tough ones, can have an impact on our child's life not just in the here and now but in the future and also eternity. Because of the tough decisions we must make we don't always win the popularity contest.

One of the biggest dangers I see in parenting is when mom or dad or both view their role to be their child's friend, you know, their buddy. While we should be our child's friend to an extent more importantly we are to be their parent which is basically shepherding their life. Pointing them in the right direction, leading them in a way that pleases the Lord, protecting them. Again this shepherding approach won't always win us the popularity trophy.

So when making the tough decisions what steps do you take?

Recently we had to make a big decision and here are some of the questions I used:

>Will this decision protect his mind and body?
>Will this decision protect his future?
>Will this decision provide a sense of safety and security?
>Will this decision point him in the right way?
>Will this decision push him closer to Christ?
>Will this decision pull him away from Christ?

What I didn't concern myself with was the question of "will this decision be popular?" When it comes to shepherding my child's life I don't much care about popularity. I'm not concerned with what others think. I'm not concerned with what my child may think (I do try to help him understand). I'm concerned with what God thinks.

Train a child in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will not turn from it.
Proverbs 22:6

Taking Up Space? Part 2

What are you passing on to your children when it comes to ministry?  (read part 1)

How are you teaching your children/teens about ministry?  What an amazing opportunity we have as parents to teach our kids how God has SHAPED them!  It is our responsibility, moms and dads, to teach our kids their SHAPE.  

• God gives us a Spiritual gift when we put our faith in Jesus Christ as Savior.  Look for that gift in your child.  Point out the gift when you see them using it.
  
• God gives us a Heart, a passion, in life.  Look for opportunities to point your teen in a direction where they could use their passion in ministry.
  
• God gives us Abilities.  Everyone is able to do something.  Spot your teen's abilities and point them in a direction of using those for Christ.
  
• God gives us Personality.  God has created us in a way that even our personality can be used in ministry.  Shy?  Outgoing? Enjoy the tedious?  When your teen's personality shines point out to them how God could use them in serving others.
  
• God uses our Experiences.  Good or bad experiences, God never wastes and experience.  Think of your experiences like an art museum.  Hang the good on the left side of the room and the bad on the right.  Study your experiences and see how God has used them and can use them to minister to others.
  

Want to know more about SHAPE?  If you are a partner at NHC then you can take Discovering My Ministry with Pastor Tom the next time the class is offered.  There is also a good book that anyone can get, S.H.A.P.E., by Erik Rees, published by Zondervan.

Taking Up Space? Part 1

We weren't created to simply take up space on this planet.  Likewise we weren't created to simply take up space in a church auditorium.  You and I were SHAPED to be a minister.  When we study the early church we see that ministry was done by the church, believers serving one another.  Over time the church has drifted from this model.  

Ask someone what he or she thinks of when they hear the word "minister"?  Many think of good old pastor so-and-so, he was a good minister.  Somewhere along the line the church (believers in Christ) moved from being the ministers to labeling one man as the "minister".  

 At NHC every partner is a minister.  Ministry at NHC would not be accomplished if it were left to the "paid professionals".  Who would change the messy diaper on Sunday morning?  Who would teach the children something they did not know about God?  Who would greet folks in the parking lot, at the door, in the lobby?  Who would pour the coffee?  Who would clean the building?  Who would play the music?  Who would minister to the hurting in the church?  Who would meet the needs?

So how about you?  Are you simply taking up space or are you serving?  Are you a minister?

Parent Pod

During the summer our youth group has our weekly get together at the beach.  A couple years ago we started the "Parent Pod".  The parents would bring their beach chairs and gather together and hang out together while the students played in the water and had their Bible study.

I'm excited to announce that now the Parent Pod will be carried into the school year.  Several parents have expressed interest in getting together to do a parenting teen study together on Sunday evenings while their kids are at Contagious.    Pastor Tom, currently the parent of a teen and he has also raised three older daughters, will be leading the study.  What a great opportunity to get together with others who are traveling the same road and share thoughts, prayer requests, and do life together.

If you are a parent of a teen at NHC I would encourage you to plug into the Parent Pod connection group.  Contact youth@nagsheadchurch.org if you would like to get involved.

The President's School Speech

I read the speech and could not find anything offensive or wrong in it.  I don't know what all the hoop-di-stink is all about other than the people who are raising the stink just don't like President Obama at all.  Our schools even sent home a permission slip so parents could opt their children out of listening to the speech.  I can't see my 5 year old sitting still long to listen unless it is on in his room and he has some crayons and paper to mess with while listening.

The speech is  challenging students to apply themselves and do their best and be responsible.  Nothing offensive there.  I even appreciate several of his remarks that he will be making to students.  Perhaps the president's speech connect with some students and those students accept his challenge and do their best. 

In his speech our President will be bringing God into the public schools.  I find this interesting that our President can do this but I can't.  Maybe I should run for President . . . .

President Obama ends his speech with "God bless you, and God bless America."

I'm glad the White House posted the speech.  Read it yourself here

Growing in Ministry

Our responsibility as parents and youth ministers is to help our kids, students, grow in ministry.  How do we accomplish this?  Here are a few ideas:

Teach them SHAPE

S – Spiritual gifts – as believers in Christ we have each been gifted by the Holy   Spirit and these gifts are to be used serving the church.

H – Heart – Using what we are passionate about to serve the church

A – Abilities – We each have abilities to be used in serving the church

P – Personality – We each have a unique personality that can be used in serving the church

E – Experiences – In life we each have different experiences we have been through that can be used in serving the church.  Even the bad experiences because God never wastes a hurt.

Model

Since more is caught than is taught it is good for students to see us serving the church.  What ministry are you involved in at your church?  Does your teen see you serving regularly at your church?  Perhaps, at family devotion time, share with your teen what your ministry is and why you love serving Christ and his church (without preaching).

Involvement

Look for opportunities for students to serve.  At NHC several of our students help in our Kids’ Zone each Sunday morning.  We also have opportunities to serve by allowing them to help set up and prepare for the youth group gathering.

As a parent we can look for opportunities to involve our kids in the ministry we are active in.  Bring your teen along to help, maybe not every week but enough for them to get a taste of what serving and why it is important to you.

Discussion
If your teen gets involved in ministry look for opportunities to “debrief” and allow them to share how they felt about the ministry experience.  Point out others who are serving and talk about their ministry together.